It’s hard to remember back to the earlier parts of this year, this was a year that was all about me recreating myself.
Honestly, it was one of the hardest years of my life, not just because I started at a new school but because this was the first time I decided to put myself first. Which, was something I had never done before. It was a learning curve to be okay that others didn’t support certain decisions I made.
Knowing that I was starting at a new school right when the new year began was a freeing feeling. A complete reset. One that I needed for awhile. It wasn’t hard to settle in as I sort of knew that it was a place that I was supposed to be.
The hard part was creating what I wanted out of my time at Susquehanna. Did I want to just throw myself into as many things as I could, or did I want to give myself a break and take my time settling in?
This question wasn’t one that took me awhile to answer, it was clear from the start that I wasn’t going to pace myself in terms of getting involved. Right away I joined a sorority and the school paper. Which, are now two of the biggest parts of what makes me who I am. That’s how I know that I made the right choice to get involved immediately. But, this wasn’t something that I was used to. I’m a very socially anxious person and it took a lot of mental determination to get over the part of my brain that kept telling me it was too much.
By the time the school year was over I felt like I had whiplash. It didn’t feel right to already be done and to be actually sad to leave school. This wasn’t something that I had ever felt before, to cry knowing that I wouldn’t see my friends for the whole summer and for some until the next spring.
Sitting here now knowing that a year ago exactly I was nervous and scared to start over gives me hope that some things do workout. But it also helps me know that major changes in life can be a good thing, not something to be scared of.
Starting the school year this fall was a weird feeling. It would be my first fall semester away from Temple and to be honest I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. Would I get bored? Would I think this was a mistake?
It didn’t help that I was going in living with nine other girls that I wasn’t close to. Little did I know that they would all become close friends. Obviously there were ups and downs, and the downs were probably some of the lowest points of my life. Mentally this semester was one of the hardest I’ve ever had. Remember when I said that I started putting myself before everyone else? This is when I learned that lesson, and it was the hard way. I would constantly see everyone else’s problems and want to fix them without ever looking inward on what I was feeling. It wasn’t until fall break that my therapist told me that I wasn’t doing well. All I could do is look at her funny. What did she mean? I thought that I was fine. But, the more that she talked to me about all the things that I had repressed for so long the more that I saw she was right.
I wasn’t doing well and it was then that I started taking time for myself. But, a part of me still felt like I was empty in some way. I realized then that yes, putting everyone else before me was a mistake but helping other people is a passion and a drive that I haven’t felt for a very long time.
Yes, writing is and always will be my first passion. But, if I’ve taken anything away from this year is that you need to hold onto the happiness when you feel it. So, I’ve made the decision to go to grad school for clinical psychology. For a lot of you I think you’ll roll your eyes and say “wow that girl is too indecisive” but, what I have to say to that is how many times in your career today do you wish that you made the switch to that one thing that made you happy. I’m doing what I think is going to give me a purpose in this life, don’t doubt me on that.
This year has shown to me that I’m a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I hope to continue this search for recreation. Brick by brick my citizens, brick by brick.