not everything is as it seems

I’ve been sitting here for an hour thinking of how I want to format this article.

Thinking of how I want it to start.

But, theres no easy way to explain this.

When I talk about how much music has changed my life I never really go into details because i’m afraid that people will think i’m actually crazy.

Music is so much more to me than just songs I hear on the radio.

There’s a sense of warmth that washes over me when I hear my favorite song.

I crave that warmth on the worst of my days.

I guess now is as good a time as any to sort of explain what I mean.

When I was a senior in high school I had a mental break and I sort of realized that what I was feeling every day wasn’t normal.

That heavy feeling on my chest wasn’t something that all of peers felt, the nervous energy I had to get up and throw my trash away in the cafeteria wasn’t something that everyone understood.

So, I told my mom that I wanted to talk to a therapist. As with any mother she was worried and skeptical as to if she was a good mother. As to if this was her fault somehow.

It was hard on us both to see that I couldn’t just let this feeling go. I needed to talk to someone.

So I did. My first session was weird, I was worried that people would find out and look at me different. I was worried I would hear those harsh whispers as I walked in the hallway.

It took me awhile to get over that, to realize that it was okay that I needed help.

When I was finishing the first month of therapy she asked me if I ever thought of going on medication.

This wasn’t even something that crossed my mind. I didn’t think I was that weak that I needed this medication to help me.

Yet again my perception was wrong. Taking medication wasn’t me being weak. I have a problem in my brain chemistry and that’s okay.

So, I went on medication.

All while this was happening I couldn’t find the words to express how I was feeling, I couldn’t write out my feelings because I didn’t exactly know what to say.

So I turned to music.

I didn’t know how much it could mean to me until it was the only way that I could express how I was feeling.

At the time I was really into anything by The Black Keys and The 1975. It was a time in my life where I clung to those bands for support.

Music does something different for everyone. For me, it probably saved my life.

I was looking back on old playlists from around that time and most of the songs were depressing, shocker.

A few of my favorites were “Start A Riot” by BANNERS, “These Days” by The Black Keys, “Hunger” by Sam Sure, and “The Great Salt Lake” by Band Of Horses.

This post might come as a shock for some of you and thats okay. Just know that now i’m in a better place. It always takes time and a lot of patience.

I hope to bring awareness to mental illness as I feel like not enough people shed light on just how heart breaking it is.

To everyone reading this, life gets better, it doesn’t just stop.

Just know that if you feel like people don’t understand you that music is a soft comfort in this life that I have found solace in.

xo Liz

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One thought on “not everything is as it seems

  1. I love this article thank you so much for sharing it, with the addition of the songs you listened to you can truly hear how you felt and you did an amazing job of portraying it. You’re doing an amazing job and only knowing you for a short while I can see exactly how you get when just the right song comes on at the right time. Keep doing all the great things you do Liz, we’re in this together and it will all only get better from here.

    Liked by 1 person

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